Welcome old friend. I haven’t sat with you for years. What about today, was the right day? I guess a panic attack can happen anytime, right? So, why not today?
When you feel your heart start. Your breath erratic. The loss of control. It gets a life of it’s own.
At school this week, it happened. It’s been nearly 2.5 years, but when you have an anxiety disorder, the possibility is always there. Better than several times a day, right? The “you have survived this before. Breathe,” so often works. Today? Nothing.
If you’re lucky like me, you have people in your life you can reach out to for help. It’s important, as I’m sure you know. I noticed someone online, who I really adore, and I know really understands me. As I texted with her, she reminded me to come back to my surroundings.
Actual conversation:
“I think I’m having a panic attack.” I told her as couldn’t catch me breath in the hallway. I wanted to run and hide. I had the good sense to go into a room I knew not many people would be in.
“What colour is the floor?”
“Dirty and needs-to-be-replaced” then I sent her a picture of how dirty it was. I might have an anxiety disorder, but I’m still funny.
She suggested looking at what was in the room I was in. We counted the doors together via text. Bathrooms are gross.
“Can you get to a window?” and I could. So I did. I allowed myself to look at the trees in the wind. Take seconds to be grateful for the sun shining and the snow glistening like diamonds. Coming to the moment brings us out of the panic and out of our body response. This is mindfulness. I can’t focus on my breath, because, it will make me focus on my breath! But, I can focus on a THING. This brings me back to the present moment. And is a powerful tool we can use on our own or help a friend if they need support.
Then, I could breathe again. And I could return to class.
Why today?
Well, I’m so glad you asked. Why not today?
I am a full-time graduate student in #alltheclasses. I research and study disability within society. So, some stress there certainly. I watched a very well done movie about adults with cognitive impairments recounting horrific abuse. Again, nothing I don’t know. I work (read: volunteer) at least 40-60 hours a week, supporting my community with no funding. Why would you do that, you ask? Because I can. We all do what we can, don’t we? And because it’s the right thing to do. Because I don’t want families to struggle like mine.
Mostly, I’m just grateful. I’m here. I embrace my uniqueness. My differences and disabilities. I have so many. I am compassionate and kind to my imperfections. Yes, mindful self-compassion. It is great. And you know what else? They support my connection and empathy to the beautiful people I get to meet in my life. That I’m thankful to know. That make me really thankful to be me.
Written by: Angela Taylor
